I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I just threw up on my dentist
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
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