I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
