Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
