I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
