i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
