His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Randomize