Umm I'm too high to move.
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Randomize
