I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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