Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
