I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Randomize
