i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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