and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
