When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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