You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
she told me i tasted like america
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
