Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
