The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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