Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Randomize
