Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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