Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I supernannyed him into submission
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
