its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
