I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Farmville is her only friend.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Randomize
