You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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