the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
