my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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