I think I am morally bankrupt
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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