He disabled his match.com account in front of me
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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