Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
