I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
