how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
why do cheetos always look like penises
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
