Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
