I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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