Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Randomize
