Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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