They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Too much gin, very little bucket
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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