god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize