I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
