last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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