it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
