My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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