At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize
