she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize