my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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