I was born with a shot glass in my hand
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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