Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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