how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
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