i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
