White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I am available for nakedness
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
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