I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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