I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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