she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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