I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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