My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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