OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Randomize