Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
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