in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
we're so committed to being not committed
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Dear god my vagina.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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