Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
