Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Randomize