saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
