Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
I did not marry a roomba.
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