So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
